ending the space 8 months to the dot.

wow. it's been 8 months. i half-expected the blog to be taken down. but nope. guess that wouldn't be so ethical according to the laws for the world of web journals filled with lies, half truths, full confessions and then some. you need someplace accessible to access and discharge what's being contained and where more better than here. i guess by now, no one's reading and that leaves this silly ol' sanctuary all to meself. this is my church. this is where i heal my hurts. solutions and remedies. when bitterness ends.

draining the bottle of insides.

You say how's the weather, so i look out the window.
To brighten my soul, but i can't control the rain that keeps falling.
Smile on the outside that never comes in.
A comedy mystery, irony, tragedy
so i scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light.
Stumble inside with me with me.

Do i entertain you?
Do i preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, i put on this hat.
I wore all this paint just for you.

Jars of Clay has said it all for me. Nothing left to tell.

squeezing the trigger to ease the pain.

if i'm armed with a loaded pistol now, i swear i'll not hesitate to put a round into my head.

reflections mirror snoitcelfer.

a little appalling, very much daunting, definitely petrifying. it's what i see when i stared myself in the mirror this morning. through my eyes, i gazed upon a black hole. an empty cavity that is filled with the aura of condemnation and depression and spins them around like a fuzzy-logic washing machine. i don't think i have a soul. i see people going about their lives with a purpose, a sense of hope and a bright future which all seem denied to me. there's probably a hierarchy in how this 'soul' system works. from the top, you've got a bunch of people in this exclusive club that proclaims that they are their own souls. thereafter comes the majority where they do have a soul and then lastly, there's the wretched beings such as myself who possess no soul at all. it's probably better this way. the soul may turn out to be a liability for me, requiring constant attention and me having to feed it with chicken soul, herbal tea, ginseng tonic and the such. they may come out to a pricey sum and no i don't think i can afford them.

it's definitely been a difficult period the past month with the car accident, schoolwork and the perpetual mood swings but i can't say that it's all doom and gloom for me really. i have the most beautiful and multi-talented woman in the universe by my side and i cannot express how thankful and grateful i am for that. she has been ever supportive and most times, i feel i don't deserve her at all. recurring nightmares of her leaving me for someplace and someone else has manifest itself into my thoughts and blares incessantly like a trumpet in my waking hours. the truth is i would go anywhere with her but yet i'm afraid that she wouldn't want me anymore when the time arrives. and i don't dare to tell her this for fear that she thinks i'm on one of my paranoia lapses again. yeah perhaps i am but i simply wish things were more certain than they currently are. that's why i love making plans with her for it gives me hope to strive in the future because she is ALL things to me.

sigh. it's baffling that these days, the mind just doesn't seem to be in sync with the mouth. conveying my thoughts verbally just doesn't seem the right thing to do anymore because they come out all wrong. it's like my brain cells are playing some sort of 'pass the message on' game and by the time it reaches my voicebox and words form from my lips, they turn into gobbledygook. this is utterly sucks.

i thank you.

thank you for being my pillar of strength when i had none.
thank you for being my source of encouragement when i'm feeling the dumps.
thank you for being my listening ear when all i do is harp.
thank you for being my hazard sign when i'm always looking for something sharp.

i know life has been unbearably dull for you,
and everyday with me just seems like a big boo.
i'm sorry if i cannot make you happy,
because who wants to live with a boy who is forever looking sappy.

hopefully someday i will make it up to you,
no by hook or by crook i have to.
looking forward to singing and laughing with you again,
cracking silly jokes our sides can hardly contain.

thank you for your love once again,
because my life with you is never plain.

a darker shade of grey.

days like this. in my broken-ness to cry, all i want is a warm hug and a little word of encouragement. sigh.

a notion for more motion.

it's been a month since my exams and time seem to fly by faster than you can say 'sigh, it's the end of the hols already.' 3 Ds and a credit as a reflection of my lacklustre efforts to prove that i actually do have a little determination to excel academically is probably as good as it gets. never thought of myself as the studying sort, and it's been a long time coming to say the least that i'll be commencing the final semester of my basic degree in a week's time.

most people would say 'heck, if you throw a peanut on a street full of strollers, chances are that you're going to hit one that holds a degree.' yes, attaining a bachelor's degree these days may be almost as easy as throwing peanuts out in the streets but it still mean a big deal to me especially coming from someone who despises lessons, doing homework and toiling through a lifetime of sucky grades from the day he began his education at primary school level. truth be told, i've accomplished many things in my 25 years but i can honestly say that i am reaching my peak, climax or boiling point whichever sounds nicer. it also subtly translates that i'm not much of a high-achiever and very much a slacker. i probably will never come to realise my full potential and be forever known as 'the one who promises much but delivers little'.

but having said that, i do want to pursue higher education, at least a master's degree. and something else other than the boring IT shite and marketing bollocks. would love to do psychology or anthropology. anything in relation to human behaviours and the evolution of mentalities. more so of the personal curiousity to learn and understand how people try to fit in, adapt, change and be influenced to doing things they never felt made any sense but yet otherwise. something different. something meaningful. something that strikes closer to the heart.

in the meantime, i'll just be mucking around with 4 more marketing units, taking in as much as i can and striving to be a good marketer. a brand new semester of opportunites and challenges i am hardly looking forward to.