squeezing the trigger to ease the pain.

if i'm armed with a loaded pistol now, i swear i'll not hesitate to put a round into my head.

reflections mirror snoitcelfer.

a little appalling, very much daunting, definitely petrifying. it's what i see when i stared myself in the mirror this morning. through my eyes, i gazed upon a black hole. an empty cavity that is filled with the aura of condemnation and depression and spins them around like a fuzzy-logic washing machine. i don't think i have a soul. i see people going about their lives with a purpose, a sense of hope and a bright future which all seem denied to me. there's probably a hierarchy in how this 'soul' system works. from the top, you've got a bunch of people in this exclusive club that proclaims that they are their own souls. thereafter comes the majority where they do have a soul and then lastly, there's the wretched beings such as myself who possess no soul at all. it's probably better this way. the soul may turn out to be a liability for me, requiring constant attention and me having to feed it with chicken soul, herbal tea, ginseng tonic and the such. they may come out to a pricey sum and no i don't think i can afford them.

it's definitely been a difficult period the past month with the car accident, schoolwork and the perpetual mood swings but i can't say that it's all doom and gloom for me really. i have the most beautiful and multi-talented woman in the universe by my side and i cannot express how thankful and grateful i am for that. she has been ever supportive and most times, i feel i don't deserve her at all. recurring nightmares of her leaving me for someplace and someone else has manifest itself into my thoughts and blares incessantly like a trumpet in my waking hours. the truth is i would go anywhere with her but yet i'm afraid that she wouldn't want me anymore when the time arrives. and i don't dare to tell her this for fear that she thinks i'm on one of my paranoia lapses again. yeah perhaps i am but i simply wish things were more certain than they currently are. that's why i love making plans with her for it gives me hope to strive in the future because she is ALL things to me.

sigh. it's baffling that these days, the mind just doesn't seem to be in sync with the mouth. conveying my thoughts verbally just doesn't seem the right thing to do anymore because they come out all wrong. it's like my brain cells are playing some sort of 'pass the message on' game and by the time it reaches my voicebox and words form from my lips, they turn into gobbledygook. this is utterly sucks.