:: walking through the cellardoor ::

ending the space 8 months to the dot.

2006-11-18T16:36:00.000+08:00

wow. it's been 8 months. i half-expected the blog to be taken down. but nope. guess that wouldn't be so ethical according to the laws for the world of web journals filled with lies, half truths, full confessions and then some. you need someplace accessible to access and discharge what's being contained and where more better than here. i guess by now, no one's reading and that leaves this silly ol' sanctuary all to meself. this is my church. this is where i heal my hurts. solutions and remedies. when bitterness ends.

draining the bottle of insides.

2006-03-19T21:38:00.000+08:00

You say how's the weather, so i look out the window.
To brighten my soul, but i can't control the rain that keeps falling.
Smile on the outside that never comes in.
A comedy mystery, irony, tragedy
so i scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light.
Stumble inside with me with me.

Do i entertain you?
Do i preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, i put on this hat.
I wore all this paint just for you.

Jars of Clay has said it all for me. Nothing left to tell.

squeezing the trigger to ease the pain.

2005-09-16T00:21:00.000+08:00

if i'm armed with a loaded pistol now, i swear i'll not hesitate to put a round into my head.

reflections mirror snoitcelfer.

2005-09-02T10:18:00.000+08:00

a little appalling, very much daunting, definitely petrifying. it's what i see when i stared myself in the mirror this morning. through my eyes, i gazed upon a black hole. an empty cavity that is filled with the aura of condemnation and depression and spins them around like a fuzzy-logic washing machine. i don't think i have a soul. i see people going about their lives with a purpose, a sense of hope and a bright future which all seem denied to me. there's probably a hierarchy in how this 'soul' system works. from the top, you've got a bunch of people in this exclusive club that proclaims that they are their own souls. thereafter comes the majority where they do have a soul and then lastly, there's the wretched beings such as myself who possess no soul at all. it's probably better this way. the soul may turn out to be a liability for me, requiring constant attention and me having to feed it with chicken soul, herbal tea, ginseng tonic and the such. they may come out to a pricey sum and no i don't think i can afford them.

it's definitely been a difficult period the past month with the car accident, schoolwork and the perpetual mood swings but i can't say that it's all doom and gloom for me really. i have the most beautiful and multi-talented woman in the universe by my side and i cannot express how thankful and grateful i am for that. she has been ever supportive and most times, i feel i don't deserve her at all. recurring nightmares of her leaving me for someplace and someone else has manifest itself into my thoughts and blares incessantly like a trumpet in my waking hours. the truth is i would go anywhere with her but yet i'm afraid that she wouldn't want me anymore when the time arrives. and i don't dare to tell her this for fear that she thinks i'm on one of my paranoia lapses again. yeah perhaps i am but i simply wish things were more certain than they currently are. that's why i love making plans with her for it gives me hope to strive in the future because she is ALL things to me.

sigh. it's baffling that these days, the mind just doesn't seem to be in sync with the mouth. conveying my thoughts verbally just doesn't seem the right thing to do anymore because they come out all wrong. it's like my brain cells are playing some sort of 'pass the message on' game and by the time it reaches my voicebox and words form from my lips, they turn into gobbledygook. this is utterly sucks.

i thank you.

2005-08-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

thank you for being my pillar of strength when i had none.
thank you for being my source of encouragement when i'm feeling the dumps.
thank you for being my listening ear when all i do is harp.
thank you for being my hazard sign when i'm always looking for something sharp.

i know life has been unbearably dull for you,
and everyday with me just seems like a big boo.
i'm sorry if i cannot make you happy,
because who wants to live with a boy who is forever looking sappy.

hopefully someday i will make it up to you,
no by hook or by crook i have to.
looking forward to singing and laughing with you again,
cracking silly jokes our sides can hardly contain.

thank you for your love once again,
because my life with you is never plain.

a darker shade of grey.

2005-08-10T20:59:00.000+08:00

days like this. in my broken-ness to cry, all i want is a warm hug and a little word of encouragement. sigh.

a notion for more motion.

2005-07-23T19:02:00.000+08:00

it's been a month since my exams and time seem to fly by faster than you can say 'sigh, it's the end of the hols already.' 3 Ds and a credit as a reflection of my lacklustre efforts to prove that i actually do have a little determination to excel academically is probably as good as it gets. never thought of myself as the studying sort, and it's been a long time coming to say the least that i'll be commencing the final semester of my basic degree in a week's time.

most people would say 'heck, if you throw a peanut on a street full of strollers, chances are that you're going to hit one that holds a degree.' yes, attaining a bachelor's degree these days may be almost as easy as throwing peanuts out in the streets but it still mean a big deal to me especially coming from someone who despises lessons, doing homework and toiling through a lifetime of sucky grades from the day he began his education at primary school level. truth be told, i've accomplished many things in my 25 years but i can honestly say that i am reaching my peak, climax or boiling point whichever sounds nicer. it also subtly translates that i'm not much of a high-achiever and very much a slacker. i probably will never come to realise my full potential and be forever known as 'the one who promises much but delivers little'.

but having said that, i do want to pursue higher education, at least a master's degree. and something else other than the boring IT shite and marketing bollocks. would love to do psychology or anthropology. anything in relation to human behaviours and the evolution of mentalities. more so of the personal curiousity to learn and understand how people try to fit in, adapt, change and be influenced to doing things they never felt made any sense but yet otherwise. something different. something meaningful. something that strikes closer to the heart.

in the meantime, i'll just be mucking around with 4 more marketing units, taking in as much as i can and striving to be a good marketer. a brand new semester of opportunites and challenges i am hardly looking forward to.

strange and beautiful.

2005-07-04T10:28:00.000+08:00

it has been 2 and half months now. what i have noticed being away, and still find it surreal, is how mornings in a foreign place with a special someone are profoundly different from what one is used to. every single morning brings a different set of moods. like a potent injection of wild flowers, it brings forth a scent of sweet delight and pure freshness. never fails to surprise. never predictable. always amazing.

i find the greatest pleasure in holding the hand of the one i said i loved last night, even though i meant it already everyday before yesternight . As i sit here typing, while she sits in class probably doddling 16 kilometres away, reminiscing of our past with the goofiness of the virginal blush of love on my face, knowing that i am, under no illusions, in a motion picture where i provide the words and she the pictorial images, accompanied by the music in a soundtrack that is hers and mine, to call our very own.

yes i am. here to stay. if she wants me to.

for the lomo girl.

2005-06-23T09:08:00.000+08:00

You are the only one I care enough to hurt about.
For your blood runs deep through my veins no doubt.
This story about a young love so emotionally involved,
The saddest distance between us is that a mission is yet to be resolved.
Light of the world are you still here?
Why then are we not illuminating?

Would you think i am crazy if you know i can't live without you my baby?
I want you, I need you, I love you with all my heart.
And as I tell you openly now that i can't do without you apart,
Please please do not break this aching heart.

You are everything I could not find,
A totally amazing mind, so passionate and so enshrined.
You are my character in descries,
Destined to preside achievements of great hope and faith as the time ticks clockwise.
May this love we have never disappear,
It shall never die but always stay near.

when the levee breaks.

2005-06-22T09:57:00.000+08:00

Night Terrors - also known as sleep terrors, or pavor nocturnus. night terrors are characterized by an incomplete arousal from slow wave sleep. if, the individual is awakened during a night terror, he/she is usually confused and does not remember details of the event. night terrors are different from nightmares; if an individual is awakened during a nightmare, he/she functions well and may have some recall of the nightmare.

[courtesy of sleepnet.com]

how i utterly hate tuesdays. yes, to the core of the smallest atom.

outrospective.

2005-06-17T09:21:00.000+08:00

so many things i wanted to say. yet the words never come out right. it just seem that everything has become a blur. buried in the sand, i dug but it's never deep enough. i wished that things worked out better than what reality and circumstances would allow. my paranoia is unrelenting. it doesn't stop. why am i so emotional? why do i always want the things i could never have? where are the plan Bs? it sickens me. and the irony of it all is i may never be more happy than where i am in this very moment.

i asked. but you wouldn't say. i see it in your eyes. but you wouldn't admit it. i wish you would open up to me. like how you could with him. i envy him. i really do. he knows your heart, thoughts, insecurities and aspirations. i could only make them up with my myopic vision.

will i ever only have the ghost of you? i wish i could be more to you. because i truly love you.

frail.

2005-06-14T12:20:00.000+08:00

the fear of abandonment that directs hate into the one person that will never leave: myself.

when i fall apart.

2005-06-10T11:35:00.000+08:00

you reveal yourself to me each day,
by the things you do and the words you say.
i felt loved by you in a uncomprehensionable way,
till you let your feelings out to me that day.

your words they cut me like a knife so deep.
for you are the only spark in life i seek.
i felt my world has been torn apart.
and it seems like everything has grown so dark.

i never meant for you to portray our relationship this way,
but my actions must have led us both astray.
could we start afresh altogether if you may,
and hopefully i can make it up to you someday.

i make no secret how much i love you.
and i would die a thousand deaths to be with you.
for you, my faith shall remain strong.
with you, all my fears will be far gone.

in case of emergency, break glass.

2005-05-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

feeling the pits. mind's a blank. can't seem to do anything right. feels like i got dumb overnight. ok, for those who beg to differ, yes, maybe i got dumber. it's either that or the world just got way too smart for me. sigh.

end of another week finally. some good, mostly bad. don't know if i made any sense in my assignments. definitely didn't make any sense for my presentations. it's amazing how i thought i could conduct a presentation without any note cards, leaving my tiny brain to regurgitate what i was supposed to say verbally. total disaster. made a total fool of myself in front of everyone who bothered to attend the tute. wished i could kill myself there and then. maybe not. wished i could kill them so that my clown act would be kept secret forever.

sad sad sad. i pray for wisdom everynight and yet i wake up feeling more stupid than before. so running out of options. feel like dying. like right now.

the late night news: your guide to self-annihilation.

2005-05-07T00:40:00.000+08:00

11pm. you're sleepy. find yourself in a dreamy state..... glad that the day is finally over. you move along to the next tv programme after a teenybopper flick and hey... current affairs. so much to find out about the events shaking up the world we view as unbelieveable.

newscaster starts off the programme by revealing the highlights:

1. more suspects arrested for the Bali heroin drug bust in Australia. apparently they figured that the 9 people who were convicted earlier for drug-trafficking are actually linked to a drug syndicate based down-under.
2. depressed stockbroker who committed suicide after losing a ton of money on the stock exchange receives a grand funeral.

yay..... so much for the news these days.... now you know why people always say that 'no news is good news.' i wonder how it feels to be the newscasters reporting them.... i wouldn't be surprised if some of them actually had to see a shrink to free themselves after taking in all these 'undesirable' knowledge. occupational hazard....too bad. you can't expect to be paid 6-figures annual wages for just sitting pretty in front of the camera and talk.

back to the news. it's just been all about Bali these days.... it's no longer just a hot tourist destination. now we're talking bigger things. drugs. and gone are the days where drug syndicates hire sad and broke asians as their courier pigeons. it seems now even caucasians want to be in the loop too. but trafficking drugs to Bali? for goodness sake, locals there are planting those shit right in their own backyard! and it doesn't help that the penalty for drug-trafficking in Bali is death. wooo... wonder where they got the idea of capital punishment from. kudos to those 9 aussies who tried and failed though, they gambled big and lost big... but hey, chin up... if any of them manages to escape the gallows and set themselves up for 25 years imprisonment instead, there's always a second chance to make up for the first failed attempt.

depression led stockbroker to committing 'kamikaze'. father of 2. estranged from wife. lost heaps of money. link all 3 factors together and really, there's only one obvious solution right? he possibly might have did the right thing. you may say he's being real selfish for leaving his 2 sons without a dad but seriously, who wants a daddy who pops pills all day to suppress his mental unstability, face wrinkled up to a prune and space out 90% of the time? i believe they're much better off now... at least there's one less person to worry about and to be affected by....and all the misery. interestingly, well-wishers at his wake was encouraged to donate money to some organization towards the treatment for depression. laughable.. at least to me. only one thing can cure depression. and i'm sure you can figure that out. alternatively, just ask our dead mr. stockbroker.

i wish....

2005-04-17T21:02:00.000+08:00

i could just cry it all out. if only i knew the repercussions of my actions, i wouldn't do the things i did, say the things i said, feel the emotions i felt, broke my spirit as a result. i want to be okay. but i don't think it'll ever happen. i've lost much, made up with little. god i love her so much and all i ever wanted was an echo but it never came. it never came.

full stops.

2005-04-15T13:49:00.000+08:00

stop trying. stop seeking. stop planning. stop plotting. stop dreaming. stop hoping. stop living.

how we should be living... on reverse mode.

2005-04-08T00:06:00.000+08:00

some say the life cycle is just so vicious. the end product of all life is simply death. and then if you believe in reincarnation, then a new life begins. how about sitting down for a minute and think how wonderful it would be if life begins from death itself. you should just die first. and now that the hard-to-swallow part is over and done with, then you go live in an old age home. you get kicked out of it for being too healthy and then right after, collect your CPF or whatever superannuation crap that has been set aside specially for you. when you start work, you've already have got your home and car paid in full. you work 30 years until you are young enough to enjoy your 'retirement'. you drink, smoke, party, bully those helpless kids and then get ready for university. you go back to secondary school and then primary school.... become a kid again and get bullied yourself. pretty soon, you will be a toddler and all you do is play. no responsibilities, no cares in the world. finally you become a baby and find yourself spending your last 9 months floating around facilities the likes of a jacuzzi/spa and having served room service 24/7. and here's the best part..... you sign off with an orgasm!!!

wooooo... what a happy thought.... God, are you reading this?

doggone tired... because dumb exam disturbed sleep.

2005-04-06T17:54:00.000+08:00

marketing research paper this morning. what a bloody waste of time. you spend an hour of your life thrashing your brains out answering 30 'fill in the blank' questions and the second you leave the room, everything flies out of the window. my econs tutor once said that the only logical reason why students take exams is because the lecturers have got nothing more to impart to us so they use this opportunity to waste a little bit of time to make up for the rest of the semester. sigh... so much for education.

skipped marketing communications lecture today. promised myself that i would attend every single lesson till the rest of the semester but no, i'm just a big fat liar. so too bad. used the time to get a haircut, buy 2 books, more groceries and rent some dvds. how fun.... the many things you can do in that time you waste 'spacing out' at some dude yabble dabbling away. all the opportunity costs.

i hope i don't fuck up this semester. cannot afford to. and i mean it literally. school fees increase every year and you wonder why. i reckon it's because the older the school gets, the more maintanence has to be done on the buildings... and thus all these expenditure gets channelled to us. fair? duh. the school can disintegrate for all i care. i wish it burns down so all of us can just stay home and sulk.

i love black marker pens. it gives me the chance to write a little 'word of wisdom' on the side of my left hand everyday. poser right? screw you. i would do a tattoo if you dared me to. i can't wait to get a tattoo... just got to create the right design. and of course it has to be somewhere i won't have to see it every single day of my sad life... whatever's left of it anyway.

sun's setting now. oh so good. it's time for some shuteye. and may the nightmares come in thick and fast.

the virginal post.

2005-04-05T20:51:00.000+08:00

whattowrite. whattosay. whattofeel. whattothink. perhaps..... later.